Thanking works because it expresses one of our most basic emotions: gratitude. Not an abstraction, gratitude is a genuine emotion. It cannot be exacted or forced. You either feel it or you don’t. Yet, when someone does something nice for you, they expect gratitude and they think less of you for withholding it. Think about the last time you gave someone a gift. If they didn’t say thank you, how did you feel about them? Great person? Or ungrateful S.O.B.?
When someone gives you a gift, you wouldn’t say, “Stinky gift!” “Bad gift!” or “I already have this stupid gift!” (Unless you are a real jerk.) You would say, “Thank you.” If you can use the gift, use it. If you don’t want to use it, put it in the closet and “let it go.”
Similarly when you receive suggestions from your key stakeholders on how you can become a more effective leader, you can look at these suggestions as gifts—and treat your stakeholders as gift-givers. Just as you would not insult the person who is trying to be nice to you by giving you a gift, when your stakeholders give you ideas, you don’t want to insult them or their ideas. You want to learn to just say, “Thank you.”
I teach my clients to ask their key stakeholders for suggestions on how they can become more effective leaders, to listen to these ideas, think about the suggestions, to try out what makes sense—keep doing what works—and let go of what does not work.
We cannot promise to do everything that people suggest we should do. We can promise to listen to our key stakeholders, think about their ideas, and do what we can. This is all that we can promise – and this is all that they expect.
This works at work – in your efforts to become a better leader, team member, or co-worker.
This works at home – in your efforts to become a better friend or family member.
Who do you need to ask, “How can I become a better …?” How do you typically respond to suggestions? Do you treat them as gifts – or do you critique them and the person making them?
Our natural tendency when others give suggestions we don’t agree with is to immediately become defensive and prove they are wrong. Our natural tendency when others give suggestions we do agree with is to point out that we “already knew that,” implying that the suggestion is unnecessary.
The next time someone gives you an idea or counsel, listen without judgment, try to find value in what you’re hearing, and just say: “Thank you!”
Thank you for reading! I hope this is helpful to you and those around you.
Life is good. Marshall.
Thanks Marshal. We practice something similar in our leadership group. One "I really like it when you..." and one "I wish you would not..." and the only thing we are allowed to say in response is "Thank you for your feedback". It has helped encourage honesty and vulnerability. I have struggled with the compliment take back too. I had a co-worker explain to me that when I down play or conditionalize a compliment I am taking away from their sincere intentions to honor me. That one stuck with me. I can honor them by responding "Thank you". Like you stated, "Two Magic Words" Re, Mark
"Thank you Marshall" for this piece. It brought back memories of a mutual friend of ours, Warren Bennis.
I remember one occasion where he gave me a wonderful compliment, that felt special coming from someone who I respected so much. After he told me, I didn't say, "Thank you." Instead, I felt embarrassed, awkward and sought to deflect from it with some (probably disingenuous) self-deprecating comment, such as: "Oh that's okay, you don't have to say that, yada, yada, yada."
Warren then said to me, "Mark, when someone gives you a sincere compliment, there are two words and only two words that you should say when you receive it. And those two words are, 'Thank you.' When you try to deflect from it, you're going to make the other person regret having given you that compliment and they're not going to want to give you another one."
His input was more of mild rebuke than it was a compliment, but I found it so helpful I said in response, "Warren, I have two words to say to you for that helpful coaching and those two words are, 'Thank you.'"